The Thai Massage

I thought my new travelling friends Paul and Kelly were...well...friends. Turns out they're really mean. Oh sure,they said they had the best intentions by suggesting a few different places for a Thai massage. And sure, a Thai massage sounds wonderful, but my God...have you every had one? I recently did and the whole time I kept grunting out the only four letter word that came to mind...PAIN (I know what word you were thinking of)! Maybe I'm just super sensitive from all the face cremes and product I use but Crikey these massages hurt. I have had two now as I wanted to give it a second chance and thought maybe the practitioner the first time was just aggressive or something (hmm, come to think of it she too was recommended by Paul...coincidence or a pattern of latent aggression?). No, I think Thai massage is just a painful mistranslation for "this is gonna hurt". Read the sign "Thai Massage" but think Thai Pain, or Thai Torture, or...ok you get the idea. Sheryl also got a massage and kept looking over at me and laughing as I made contorted faces of concern. But she said that her experience was quite enjoyable. And Paul and Kelly will sometimes go every day for a stretch. What am I missing here! I know, more pain. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 3 times, um...well... hmm. Let me try to describe the exerience.
You know those weird one-fingered police holds that can drop the biggest (American) football player to his knees begging for mercy? It's like an hour of that...but seems longer. Not that I've ever had the police grab me like that...well, OK, they actually did once...no twice. But that was different! I mean who didn't get arrested for trespassing on airforce bases in the '80's protesting Reagan's MX missle system? Even the actor Robert Blake was in the fray, getting arested for protesting the opening of a nuclear energy plant that was constructed on Californias biggest and most active (San Andreas) fault...however, probably not the best example as he recently spent a lot of time in jail before being acquited for the murder of his wife. It's what we did then, protest I mean...not kill our wives, because MTV was only in its infancy. Now that there is so much better programming we don't have time to protest things like MX first strike nuclear weapons!! But it warms my heart to know that Reagan went down in history (and only American history) books as such a great and wonderful leader. I'd like to read an El Salvadorean history book someday, or Guatamalan, or Nicaraguan, or... well, pick a country. Woah, TANGENT ALERT!! But police holds are intended to inflict pain while massages aren't. Here's the deal. I just spent the last year before this trip in massage shcool in Seattle. I learned Swedish massage which focuses on relaxation and healing. Thai massage focuses, it seems, on pain. And at home, when setting up for a massage my routine goes something like this; close the curtains, get a soothing color of sheets that coordinate nicely, light some incense if desired, light up a few candles, make sure my water fountain tridckles 'just so', chose a nice smelling oil (season appropriate of course...citrus in the warmer months!), and put on some mellow music (anything but enya that is). If time allows, a warm foot bath and a hot cup of herbal tea tops off the experience nicely. And we haven't even come to the massage yet which is ( and here comes the "shameless plug for my massage practice when I return to Friday Harbor to set up shop" part of the blog), if I say so myself, an amazingly relaxing and restorative process. Let's contrast this with the last Thai massage I received. And I'll preface this with the fact that I was rapidly getting sick when I got the massage and had to hold down my lunch while she worked over...er...on my back, so I wasn't in the most tolerant of moods. As I was lying there I noticed the ambiance of the place. Of course I realize that massage comes in many forms (including torture) and that what matters is the massage and not the frilly (Sheryl would call this "puppy dogs and rainbows" part) accoutrements that accompany it. However it just feels better when you can relax...which means having the TV turned off! Or at least turning it down so I don't hum along with the jingles and cause my practitioner to laugh spasmodically. Or at the very least STOP WATCHING IT while you are giving a massage. I caught her glimpsing at the screen during one especially tear producing vulcan death grip. And if the cell phone rings, don't answer it. And if your 5 year old is playing drums with a pair of chopsticks, have her go outside. And if your co-worker is also giving a massage try not to chat too much. And if the guy collecting the money is sitting at the desk next to you, have him not stare too much. Bad flourescent lighting I can live with...bad Thai soap operas just take me out of that hoped for relaxed place that I never found. So much for atmosphere...and we haven't even come to the massage yet. The aforementioned police grips, pushing hard into points of pain, me flinching and gritting my teeth, the twisting and popping of joints ( which is rather satisfying in its own way)...it's all here as well as the hyper-stretching of muscles. My favorite being the one where you sit up and the practitioner places her knees in the small of your back, grabs you under the arms and hauls you backward hyperextending the entire spinal column. The sounds in the room are momentarily drowned out by the snapping of vertebrae as you look down at your toes and smile to see them wiggle when you ask them to. I know Paul and Kelly are laughing like Austin Powers' Dr. Evil while reading this, but I'll get you guys...someday, I'll get you!