Bangkok to Seoul to San Francisco to Seattle...30 hours. I feel numb and tired and lethargic. I also am a bit confused as to what is next and where I'm going. For the past 6 months I never really knew where I was going until I got on my bike and started pedalling. That I had just got out of bed in the morning, eaten some breakfast and had another diarrheal stool was enough direction for me. Now I sit and look out at a cold and cloudy sky, wet pavement and windblown trees. My bike is in a box and my panniers are put away. What do I do now? I have identified with "being a traveller" and feeling "special" somehow, and now that part of me is gone (until next time)... What part of me will fill that void? Who am I now if I don't cycle and be adventurous and hunt for an internet cafe so I can write (brag?) about it and get all the love and feedback from friends and even people I've never met?
And of course nothing has really changed at all. I awoke this morning and ate some breakfast and had a poop (if you must know it was solid, brown and it floated) and still have no idea where I'm going...but I know I'm not pedalling there...too freaking cold! Not to mention that my rear rim is bent and god only knows what other disasters await me when I open the shredded box that contains my once beautiful bike. So the cycling adventure is over. It replaced the zip-line-tour-guide-adventure part of my life. And that replaced my E.R. nursing adventure. I realize of course, as I write this, that all those things just describe only one aspect of my life while I was experiencing so many other aspects at the same time. So why do I feel like I have to identify with parts of my life instead of the whole? Do I have to be doing something cool to feel good about who I am like some 18 year old with a self esteem deficit? What about this guy who has been the constant through all these life changes? He's still here and is the constant. He is still naval gazing (especially here in the NW with dark cold clouds and really good coffee) and laughing and loving and breathing and self-doubting and second-guessing and worried and care-free and putting his body into wierd yoga positions and then asking why. He's still asking what it all means and looking for the point in any of this. James is still here, the constant. And constantly whining and laughing and crying and knowing that this is the next adventure...this moment and this second. In the words of Bob Marley (who, before the trip I used to love and now just flinch when I hear, as every Asian bar catering to Westerners overplays his hits ALL THE TIME...and don't even get me started on the Jack Johnson rant!!), "when one door is closed, many more is open". These new moments are all unfolding right now to creat my present adventure. And that they all add up to make a life of meaningful and meaningless moments but moments none the less to be experienced as only I can.
I thought I would wrap up this adventure of mine with relevant anecdotes... or comparisons between the East and the West, or sone poignant moment that defined what the trip meant to me. I find that I can't do it. I will continue to write stories and memories from the recent bike trip and I will write about moments from this new adventure. On one of my last days in Nong Khai, I was writing in my journal trying to keep back the tears and a woman sat down and asked me if I was a writer. It was the first time I ever just said yes, and let it be. This trip has given me that incredible gift. It may be crap. It may be good. But I write and I put it out there for people to read and I found out that I love it. I want to thank you for reading it and commenting and keeping me going when I was pissed or down or discouraged and tired. People whom I've never met like Stoder, or met once like Wheelz or acquaintances who now feel like a friend...Margaret! Hopefully you'll keep reading because if I fail as a writer I might need to borrow some money from time to time! And I need help picking a new blog name...send me some ideas... as I know now why I left Kauai.
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6 comments:
I really have No Idea how I ran across your blog? But I've been reading it the past month or two...and just wanted to say Thanks for taking me along for your adventure! I live in Bellingham WA, only a little ways up North from you :) And went to Asia 2 1/2 years ago on my own solo spiritual pilgrimage type of trip. And Yes it was Life Changing, and one of the damb harderst, Best things I have Ever done for myself. So keep up the good work! And I 100% emphasise with your 'just returned home, now what do I do,' syndrome. The magic is definatly still there... And I found the fun part to be...seeing what Didn't fit in my life anymore...and just letting it go, and letting in the new in. Interesting process I must say ;) Good luck and have Fun ~Martha urbuddhaful@hotmail.com
James, I am your mom's friend Anne. I have read your blog every day, copied most of them, and have enjoyed your openness and soul searching very much. And I am just amazed how wonderfully you write. I hope you continue writing for you are gifted. I know everyone in FH is looking forward to having you home, and I understand how you may have some misgivings about leaving SE Asia. You have shared a wonderful experience with all of us. I hope I get to know you better, although I feel I really know you now. Looking forward to meeting up with you again.
anne
James, On her first broadcast as a news anchor, Katie Couric asked her audience to choose a few words with which to sign off each night... I haven't watched her since. Sincerity, words from the heart mean something to me. I don't know how she signs off, or even if she does.
Don't ask someone to pick a name for your blog. If you are a writer, then write. That includes the most important part of writing, choosing an appropriate title.
Signed: A fool's fool
Awwww! Ya went and got me all choke-up and quivery-chin at 4-frikkin-A.M.! I'm so pleased you're gonna keep writing this blog- I was seriously worried you'd quit and leave us all stranded in Duckburg! And now I'm looking forward to giving you a hug. So- get yer butt in the Club and try a Spinning class on a cloudywet day!
James,
Welcome home. Cloudy and rainy...now THAT I can readily identify with. At the risk of being repetitious, I'll say again how much I've enjoyed your blogs and I look forward to reading more, no matter what you write them about. Hope to meet you someday. Maybe at Sam's on some fine weekend this summer. If your travels ever bring you down my way (up in the woods outside Silverton, OR), we've got a futon with your name on it.
What's next? How about a tour of the backroads of the US in a VW camper? How about a tour of Texas with the only rule being that you can't drive on interstates and can't pass through any towns with more than 10,000 people? A search for the best taverns in the Pacific Northwest? Plenty of opportunities for reflection and navel-gazing in any of these pursuits. Whatever you choose, I look forward to reading about it. Heck, I'd even buy the book. Take care and have another cuppa joe.
James add me to the list of people that will miss this rant of yours. You have taken the trip of a lifetime, that you thought would be a solo adventure, and had numerous passengers as stowaways. How did you manage with all us? Please continue on informing us of any little tidbits of information on your next adventure..ah yes, James the Adventurer. You have learned many important things during this past trip so why not list these things for us to share? You said that you finally have learned to love yourself and of all things that is most important but you seem to have the need to dissect life and to continually look for greater meaning than may be available. Why don't you just be James and let all of those who love you enjoy you and you can return the favor. I'm am not a young fellow, like yourself, but I have learned to look at the wonders of life itself and enjoy the most precious things to the fullest. Love of a woman that truly loves you, the wonders of the birth of a child, glorious spectacles of nature, the freedom of riding (you bikes, me motorcycles), small town restaurants, brothers, sisters, and in-laws, and a myriad of other things that fall directly in front of you each day, yet are taken for granted. Open your consciousness to these things and your cup surely will runneth over. Thanks again.
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