The Fart

I've been a nurse now for almost 22 years. That's a long time I figure, and working in the ER is the only thing that keeps me going in this profession. It's the continually changing environment and the unexpected that allows me to stay in this weird world of Western Medicine in which I frequently lose faith. I've seen a lot over those years and even though I've witnessed things I wish I hadn't or things that people shouldn't, I still can be shocked and amazed by an occasional left field experience. Last night is a good example. Not deep. Not life changing or even life altering but it was a new experience worthy of complaining, scratch that, writing about. I was accused of farting in front of a patient. OK, not a big deal like I said but it pissed me off because I didn't do it! And not only the patient, but her boyfriend as well said that I let out (and I quote) "a huge loud fart that stunk up the whole room!" Here's what gets me. The ER of any hospital can be a horrible experience for the average person having to visit one. Not only are you feeling miserable in the first place but you have to wait in line, often for hours, with a room full of coughing, sometimes vomiting, usually grumpy, just-as-miserable people who may have a different definition of 'hygiene' than you do. By the time you actually get back to see the doctor you kind of wish you'd never come to the ER in the first place. There are some people who know the system all to well and try to eliminate this wait by calling for an ambulance for things as life threatening as a toothache. The thinking is that by getting a $750 ride to the ER they will go straight back into a treatment room thereby avoiding the miasma that is an ER waiting room. What they forget, however, is that we ER nurses weren't born yesterday and we get really pissed off when people try to abuse a system that is already overstressed. It actually gives us a certain passive aggressive joy to watch the paramedics come into the ambulance bay doors, through the ER, and back out into the lobby to unload a healthy patient off of the gurney into the admitting receptionists hard plastic chair..."take a number, buddy, we'll get to you as soon as we can". Anyway, back to the patient who accused me of farting. What bugs me is that I wasn't even her nurse. I was just acknowledging the aforementioned misery of an ER and being nice to them by bringing extra blankets and soda's to make their stay a little more pleasant. After leaving the room for the second or third time, delivering a Pepsi and being more waiter than nurse, they put on their call light and the nurse caring for them entered the room. When she came out smiling she gathered all of us (this was too good not to share with the entire ER staff!) around the nurses station to share the news that I had just farted in room 6 in front of patient and family stinking up the whole room. After much levity and hours of ridicule and ribbing it became the joke of the day. Now, I can take a good joke with the best of them, but this is America dammit and I am innocent until proven guilty! It did help my case that the patient in room 6 came to the ER for an anxiety attack after losing all her money at the casino earlier in the day. But it still irked me that someone I had gone out of my way to help went out of their way to hurt. I'm figuring it was the boyfriend. He let one fly, got busted by his girlfriend and blamed it on the nurse. Dirtbag! Here is the skeleton in the closet...my mea culpa. I actually have farted in patient rooms before but never got busted...BUT NOT THIS TIME...I DIDN'T DO IT! Every other time it was when I was either changing an incontinent diaper, or giving an enema or cleaning up a nasty commode or...OK you get the picture. The rooms had already been a wasteland of biological-weapon air quality. A disaster by which, when adding a little more gas, couldn't really hurt the situation. So when confronted with this crime of fouling a perfectly fine room I got really angry. I guess you could say my angry reaction was just latent guilt for "passed" sins (couldn't resist).